


Grocery Day

by TheUltamate



Series: The May 11th Incident [1]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-08
Updated: 2011-02-03
Packaged: 2017-10-12 12:44:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/124945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheUltamate/pseuds/TheUltamate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Grocery day.</i> The words themselves hold some primal terror, even to the bravest of individuals. So what could be any worse?<br/>Simple: the trolls' grocery day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Only One Troll Eats Breakfast

**Author's Note:**

> First chapter of first work on AO3. Hopefully this will be a long and entertaining relationship.

Karkat woke up angry. This was not anything new to him, nor for the eleven other trolls that he begrudgingly shared residence with, but for a rare occasion in his self described miserable life, he had a reason to wake up angry: in the kitchen conveniently located directly below his respiteblock, ten other trolls were arguing.

His eyes twitched as he removed himself from bed, threw on whatever gray jeans and cancer tees he could find that didn't smell funny, and stormed down the staircase, accenting each footstep with a staccato stomp.

"What," he began as he rounded the corner from the staircase into the kitchen, "in the taintchafing _fuck_ are you all arguing about now‽"

Everyone froze and looked at Karkat. All the other trolls (all of them) had gathered in the kitchen, and chaos had ensued. Eridan was hanging by his cape from the ceiling fan. Equius was holding Vriska upside down by her ankles (Karkat drew mild satisfaction from the shade of blue her face was turning). Feferi was half crammed in the thermal hull with an empty pickle jar in her mouth. She did not look awake. Kanaya was keeping Terezi and Sollux from going at each other's throats. Nepeta was gnawing at Gamzee's leg. Tavros's four wheel device had been upended and he was now trying to make sure nobody stepped on him. And, among all this, Aradia sat calmly at the counter, an empty bowl in front of her.

"Now," Karkat drew the word out slightly, "can anyone tell me, in a calm and rational manner, what the hell is going on here?"

Vriska wheezed "look at the pot calling the kettles black." Equius dropped her on her head. She mumbled in his direction, but neither did anything more.

Sollux calmly raised his hand. "Yes, Sollux," Karkat hissed. "Please, elaborate on the scene before me."

Quietly, "Aradia ate what wath left of the Captain Crunch."

Karkat's eye twitched more violently this time. Terezi helpfully added, with dismay, "it had the red crunchberries..."

"Do we have," Karkat drew in a breath, " _anything_ to eat in this hive?"

Sollux looked at the thermal hull. "No."

"Nothing at all."

Sollux though. "I think that jar of pickleth wath the latht of it."

Nepeta removed herself from Gamzee's leg and sat up. "That means we get to go shopping!" She scrambled away, towards the garage, chanting "Walmart! Walmart!"

Karkat shuddered. "She's right. We need food, so, alright...Sollux, Eridan, Tavros, Equius, and, oh, Vriska. Come on. We're going."

Nobody moved except Feferi, who fell out of the thermal hull. She probably wasn't breathing enough, but she'd been though worse as the trolls' resident punching bag. Sometimes karma just hated you.

"Jegus, don't all get ready at once," Karkat turned and left the kitchen. "And don't forget to get Eridan down from that fan when you come out."

\------

One by one, the selected trolls had shambled into the run down ex-school bus Nepeta had bought off Craigslist for dirt cheap, Karkat in the dirver's seat because he was the only one with a driver's license.

==FLASHBACK==

Karkat had been sitting at the DMV's lobby, waiting for his number to be called, for two hours. They were on fifteen. He was thirty-seven.

"Number sixteen," a decrepit old hag who might have been literally decomposing lightly called. An obese man next to Karkat looked at his slip of paper. "Hey, that's m-" he began before Karkat clubbed him over the head with a stack of _Time_ magazines from at least 1997. He claimed the fat man's number and held it above his head. " _ME_."

==END FLASHBACK==

"Everyone here?" Karkat asked over the low din. It was sort of a redundant question, really, because Nepeta was curled up in the floor next to him, Eridan was muttering to himself in the seat behind the driver's, Sollux was telling Vriska to leave Tavros alone, and Equius was closing the rear hatch they used to hoist Tavros in though. Karkat's question went largely unanswered.

Sighing, he clicked the garage door opener, threw the bus in reverse, and recklessly barreled into the suburban streets. He hit the mailbox of the house across the street; the family's obnoxious yapbeast could be heard announcing this wanton destruction to everyone in the house. Not wanting a direct confrontation with the homeowners, Karkat shoved the unwilling stick shift in drive and sped down the road towards the outskirts of the suburb.

\------

Nepeta's face reappeared in Karkat's field of vision; namely, the center of it. "Are we there yet?"

"AUGH" Karkat swerved, snapped a mile marker on the side of the highway, and righted the vehicle. A rusty Toyota pickup swung away and plowed into the ditch. A Volkswagen Beetle stopped in the middle of the lane, thus, the shiny new Prius behind it rear ended it. Karkat looked at the drivers' squabble though the rear view mirrors with schadenfreude for a moment, then turned to the catgirl. "No. No, Nepeta, we are not, just like the DOZEN OTHER T-"

"Hey! That's our exit!" Nepeta grabbed the wheel from Karkat's hands and sung it toward an exit ramp. Karkat shoved her away before she oversteered, and they blundered up the offramp.

They were able to see it from here; the world's largest Walmart, though it was never advertised as such; the corporation probably feared they'd get more groups like Karkat's. The gigantic building occupied an obscenely gigantic plot of land and, after an incident in the week after the Walmart's opening, was required by law to have a fully functioning small power plant on grounds. If one stood at the base of the building and the sun was on the other side, it was dark enough to be confused for late afternoon. Even as one drove into the parking lot, there was a noticeable change in the light. It was sort of unnerving at first. Children below the age of three are not recommended on grounds, especially near the power plant.

After only a minor incident in which Karkat ran over a shopping cart left int he middle of the parking lot, an empty space was found reasonably close to the entrance and everyone was ordered inside. Upon entrance, the kindly old woman who was being paid to say hello to strangers recoiled slightly and whispered into a radio. Karkat couldn't hear her, but he knew what she was saying:

"Code 612."

There wouldn't be an immediate change. One would think nothing happened, other than an old woman didn't want to say hello to seven Murphy's Laws incarnate, but there would be security.  
Everyone gathered in a cluster in front of the unused carts. A young woman with a screaming child was attempting to plan a course of action that resulted in her own cart and no contact with the trolls. Judging by her face, the planning was not going well. "Now," Karkat began over the child's wails, "we'll split up so we get out of here sooner and cause as little damage as possible. Vr-"

Vriska grabbed Tavros's four wheel device and ran into the bowels of the store. "Taaaaaaaavros and I have frozen foods!" Tavros's only reply to this was "uh."

Karkat could only imagine what sort of untold damage Vriska could/would do, but he ignored it for the sake of his sanity. "Fine. Equius, Nepeta, and Eridan, go get dry goods. Cereal, stuff like that. Canned stuff, too. Each of you take a cart. Sollux and I will take care of produce, dairy and deli." The group split; Karkat and Sollux went left, and Nepeta bounced right, Eridan ran to catch up with her, and Equius **STRONG RAN** after the both of them, muttering about gutterbloods who don't know their place.


	2. In Which One Troll Plays Guitar Hero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two. Now things start to HAPEN. After, of course, I create filler by babbling about Thollukth's romantic pursuits.

**When we last left our heroes, the trolls had split up and ventured deep into the bowels of Walmart!**

 _Karkat could only imagine what sort of untold damage Vriska could/would do, but he ignored it for the sake of his sanity. "Fine. Equius, Nepeta, and Eridan, go get dry goods. Cereal, stuff like that. Canned stuff, too. Each of you take a cart. Sollux and I will take care of produce, dairy and deli." The group split; Karkat and Sollux went left, and Nepeta bounced right, Eridan ran to catch up with her, and Equius **STRONG RAN** after the both of them, muttering about gutterbloods who don't know their place._

On the way, a man in white and dark blue metal armor passed them. Karkat couldn't see through his (or her?) visor, but he could tell the EO was watching him.

This particular Walmart has invested in a special strike force, the Walmart Advancement of Law and Mess from Assholes Removal Team. Usually, they inhabited the deep labrenyth beneath Walmart, but today was a Code 612 day. The WALMART Enforcement Officers were out in full force.

"Do you remember what wath on thale?"

"What?" Karkat emerged from his thoughts. "Oh. No. I never got a chance to look at the ads." Karkat thought. "Do we even get mail? We have a mailbox, but..."

"Every day Aradia checkth the mail, I think. The taketh it up to the attic." Sollux shivered. "And nobody wanth to go in _there_."

Karkat threw a few random containers of berries into the cart. "Man, I can't believe you used to be flushed for her."

Sollux frowned. "The was alive back then, and not quite ath...thcary."

Karkat was inspecting a watermelon. "And now that musclehead Equius has some sort of weird matesprit/kismesis thing for her." Satisfied with the melon, he placed it in the cart. "How are you and Feferi?"

"Oh, you know." Sollux was selecting kumquats from a display. "The'th out cold half the time, tho it'th not like anything can go wrong."

Karkat raised an eyebrow. "Do you...you don't..when she's..."

Sollux looked at Karkat as if he had just grown two extra eyes and sprouted wings from his kneecaps. "Are you inthane‽ I'm not ath dethperate ath-" he snorted, "Equith." He looked at a row of apples, deemed them unsatisfactory, and continued down the isle. "Wat'th with you and Nepeta?"

Karkat suddenly looked very interested in a crate of oranges. "Don't even _think_ we have anything put pale feelings. At least, mutually. Ever since the fantroll incident and I...you know..." (Sollux nodded) "...she won't leave me afuckinglone. Her scarlet's even more obvious than Eridan for Feferi."

Sollux and Karkat rounded the corner, toward a deli counter. The pimply young man appeared terrified by the trolls' arrival. "The uthual, pleathe," Sollux said to him. The man made himself busy shredding udderbeast meat on the far end of the counter.

"Whatever happened to you and Terezi?"

Karkat huffed. "Good idea, if you can get past her pure psychomania drugstupor. I think the color red gets her high."

"Karkat! Karkat!" a voice called from behind. Sollux and Karkat turned to see Nepeta sprinting toward them, green coat billowing out behind her. "Karkat!"

He seethed. "By the minor moon, why are yo-"

Nepeta came to a halt. "There's no time! It's Equius! He's-he's playing Guitar Hero against someone!"

Karkat froze, mid-exclamation. "Oh hell no. _Why_ did you let him do that‽"

"There was this kid, and he was bragging, and you know Equius, and he, he," Nepeta looked flustered. "Just come on!" Nepeta began to bound off.

"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck!" Karkat turned to Sollux. "Look, when you get the flesh, get over to Electronics, STAT," he said, then ran after the catgirl.

They moved through the vast store in a blur. Multiple EOs turned to look at the sprinting trolls, but found no basis for legal pursuit.

Nepeta and Karkat came to the gigantic sign that heralded the electronics department. From inside, the combined racket of dozens upon dozens of TVs set to different channels mingled and produced several harsh tones, but one sound was heard below the rest: Queen's _Bohemian Rhapsody_ , every so often interrupted by a squeak and a low curse of "fiddlesticks."

"Oh no!" Nepeta grabbed Karkat's sleeve and dragged him down an isle. "The second chorus! They're almost to-"

Karkat and Nepeta found the TV setup just as Freddie Mercury finished wailing "...sometimes wish I'd never been born at all!"

"-the solo."

Equius, who looked like he could really use a towel, was currently being schooled by a black child of about ten sweeps. The solo ruined any sense of rhythm Equius had managed to gather, and he was now flubbing just about every note. He was becoming visibly shaken; he was gritting his broken teeth and pressing hard enough to crack the guitar neck.Around three fourths of the way though, Equius's strum bar snapped. Equius proceeded to snap with it. Karkat and Nepeta could only watch in horror as Equius, enraged, ripped his guitar from his torso and flung it into the TV, which exploded in a fury of sparks. The surprised boy Equius had been dueling with had _his_ guitar taken from him and used to pat the side of his head. The kid flew to the ground, a mouth to match Equius's.

Immediately, five WALMART EOs were upon him. He was zapped multiple times by an electronic baton until he fell into an unconscious state, but he didn't go down without a fight: two EOs were left with broken visors and another had his helmet crushed under Equius's foot. Two EOs drove by in what looked like an armored golf cart, placed Equius in a cage with laser bars, and sped off.

"Hey, you!" Karkat opened his mouth to deliver a category five shitstorm of epic proportions upon the nearest EO, "that guy was with me, so-"

The EO, unharmed in the scuffle, turned. "The retrieval of those In Walmart Enforcement's custody can be done in the lower levels of the building," he said simply.

"I-you-but-"

"Please fill out the necessary paperwork and the individual in question will be released."

" _Fffffff_ uck," Karkat released. He turned around and nearly ran into Sollux.

"Karkat, what the hell jutht happened here?"

It was quite the scene. A crowd had gathered around the three remaining EOs: one who was using a fire extinguisher on the now on fire television, one tending to the black boy, and a third talking to an extremely overweight woman, who was probably the boy's mother.

"Well, Equius flipped the fuck you and was taken by the fucking EOs, Nepeta ran away to grub knows where, Eridan is missing and has been, and I haven't seen or heard from Tavros since the former ran off with the latter, the latter going "uHHH," the whole way." Karkat twisted his face into a dopey expression when describing Tavros's speech.

Sollux leaned against the shopping cart and planted a firm x2 Facepalm Combo.

"Why didn't you invite Kanaya? Or even Feferi? Dare I say it, Aradia? You picked the motht dythfunthtional group of pothykoth pothible."

Karkat fumed. "Shut up. At least I can _say_ that right."

Sollux glared. "You did NOT jutht bring up my lithp!"

"What cruel bastard put an 'S' in 'lisp,' anyway?"

You're puthing it, Karkat."

"Hey, Sollux, what sound does a hisslizard make? _Sssss_..."

"Cut it out!"

"Is there a problem in which I may be of assistance?" Both trolls turned to see an EO looming over them.

Karkat glared at the EO. "No, sir."

"Very well, then. Have a nice day. Remember, everything in our auto care section is fifty perce-"

"Cram it down your protein chute. Come on, Sollux, we're leaving."

Sollux straightened his frown. "To where?"

Karkat glared. The camera zoomed in dramatically. In a low whisper: "Walmart Jail."


	3. In Which One Troll Is Freed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huh? Wah? Is that...oh no! FANTROLL CAMEOS INCOMING.

**When we last left our heroes, Equius had been captured by WALMART staff and Karkat was formulating a plan!**

 _"Cram it down your protein chute. Come on, Sollux, we're leaving."_

 _Sollux straightened his frown. "To where?"_

 _Karkat glared. The camera zoomed in dramatically. In a low whisper: "Walmart Jail."_

 **8*cos(955359)/98-tan(.662)/7²+(√806)/2 years later…**

"Left here."

"Any reason?"

"None at all. I've been guething for the patht, oh, entire time we've been here."

"Y-"

"People!"

Karkat paused. Sollux did not shout 'people,' nor did he, so who did?

Karkat heard heavy footsteps and turned. Behind him was another troll, running frantically toward them. He was of middling height, not as tall as Gamzee or as short as Karkat. His hair was shoulder length. On his t-shirt, under an unzipped hoodie, was a symbol of a snake eating its tail in his blood color, a dull, burnt orange. The left horn was short, and the right originated from the side of his head rather than above the forehead, and this one curved roughly vertically. It looked sharp. His sunken eyes were wide open. "People!" he screamed again.

The troll ran up to Sollux and grabbed his shirt. "Do you _know_ how ling I've been here?" Without waiting for a response, he turned around and stared at his hands. "Weeks...many weeks. More than I have fingers!" He spun again so he was facing Karkat. " _How many fingers am I holding up‽_ " The question was ignored. "What the hell are you-"

The troll barked a single note of laughter, then ran off. At a four way intersection, he skidded right, laughed again, and was gone.

Karkat and Sollux were quiet. Eventually, Karkat whispered "I think I knew that guy from somewhere."

"We need to get out of here."

"Well, that's been going pretty fantastically so far!" He waved his arm. "Look at all the stellar fucking progress we've made!"

"And whothe fault ith that?"

"You're the one with F _AAAAAA_ NCY THR _EEEEE_ D GLASSES!" Karkat looped his fingers around his eyes and moved them back and forth, pantomiming cheesy 3D movies where everything leaps out at you, reminding you that you've been sitting in a sticky theater seat and really have to go to the bathroom.

"Now y-"

"Is there a problem with which I can be of assistance?"

It's difficult to miss an approaching WALMART EO, but somehow, Sollux and Karkat did. Being angry at each other sort of dulls one's senses.

Karkat whirled around. "You can assist by putting a treeswooper's exowomb in your footwear and stepping in it, you maggot sucking, bone bu-"

"Yeth!" Sollux slapped a hand over Karkat's mouth. "Don't lithten to him, he'th a little angry right now."

Karkat broke out of the psychic's grasp, folded his arms, and grumbled.

"Where'th the jail? We have bithineth."

"Follow me, if you will. The EO set off down a hallway without checking the two trolls would follow.

Sollux started. "Thee? That'th all you've got to do."

Karkat followed, hands crammed in his pockets. "Shut up."

\------

If you've ever had to sit in a dentist's waiting room for forty minutes so he could carve a hole in one of your teeth, say "oh, dear," slap a filling on it, and then tell you to come back next week so he could gas you and carve a bigger hole after prying off the filling he took forty minutes to sculpt off, you have an idea what it's like to sit in the Walmart Jail waiting room.

It was a cold, dreary room that attempted to be cheerful, but failed miserably. Despite carpeting, the walls were the same cold metal as the rest of the complex. The tables and chairs were also metal, and the former were piled the tabloids from several years ago. Aside from a large, dimply lit fish tank embedded in one wall that appeared to have a single goldfish in it, the only activity in the room was Karkat's idle flipping through a back issue of _The National Infringer_ , secretly one of his favorite hobbies. Sollux was cultivating a batch of sores on this thumbs by twiddling them.

An EO opened a door. "You may enter," he bellowed, then retreated behind the door.

Karkat slammed down the magazine in the middle of an article over whether or not Ted Danson was actually a robot. "About fucking time. I thought I'd waste to slime out here." He barged down the hall behind the door that led to the holding cells, Sollux quietly following.

Most of the cells were empty, though two were inhabited by trolls. The first was a highblood with "Hz" on his shirt. He appeared to be sleeping. The other contained a greenblood (Or blue? It was kind of hard to tell.), who had fashioned a cloak into desert wrappings. He had clearly gone insane. He eyed Karkat through cracked glasses and retreated into a corner. In the cell at the very end, with two EOs standing outside the laser bars, was Equius, awake, and standing in the exact center of the cage, fuming.

One EO held out a clipboard. "You must fill out the required paperwork."

"Ugh." Karkat snatched the clipboard, scanned it, and looked up. "What the hell is this?"

"You must fill out th-"

"No no, I’m not a hatchling. I get that this is fucking paperwork. _This._ " He pointed to one blank. "'Nickname'? 'Nick's Name'? What the hell is a 'Fourth Cousin, Twice Removed, From The Mother's Side But Is Adopted From The Father's Side'? And what's a father?"

The EO stared. "You are required to fill out every question to the best of your abilities."

"Ffffff..." Karkat made a face, then filled in random names in trollish. He paused at 'Person To Be Removed From WALMART Custody' and filled in 'CRABBITCH ASSSTAIN.' Satisfied, he threw it at the EO. "Here. Now let him go so I can get the fuck out of here."

The EO boggled at the clipboard, couldn't make heads or tails of the trollish, but accepted it anyway. He pressed a few buttons on a wall panel, which lowered the cell bars. Equius walked out, arms still crossed.

"Now that we've dealt with this, can we get the hell out of here?"

The EO turned. "An Enforcement Officer will be appointed to guide you. Thank you for supporting Walmart. Have a nice day."

\------

Sollux reclaimed his shopping cart once in Walmart proper and Karkat called a meeting.

"Alright, we're missing a few people here. Nepeta ran off during the shitstorm, Eridan's been missing, and who _knows_ what Vriska and Tavros are up to." Karkat shuddered. "Probably one of their weird-"

"Thtop. Jutht...thtop." Sollux shook his head. "Don't remind me of the Christmath Eve Inthident."

Everybody shivered.

"Look, never mind them. Right now our priority is Eridan. I know a code 612 puts the hunting section on more security than the brooding caverns, but Eridan will find a way in, especially if he convinces Nepeta to help him." Karkat's accomplices nodded. "We should try to split up. Sollux, go straight to Hunting Supplies. Equius, see if you can't find anyone over in Frozen Food."

"And what gives you the inexcusable right to command me, gutterblood?"

Karkat ignored him. "I'll make a pass by Electronics to give the place a quick scout and meet Sollux at Hunting. Any objections?"

Equius sputtered, but the question was meant more for Sollux. "Thoundth good."

"Alright. Break."

Sollux and Karkat went in the corresponding directions. Equius stood dumbly for a moment before trudging off to Frozen Food, somewhat sweaty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uuuuuuuuuugh. I am so sorry for not updating this two months ago. Let's just all pretend that never happened.  
> I hated writing this one. Wandering around an empty metal maze is about as -EXCITING as a wet fart during Sunday mass.


	4. In Which Two Trolls Are Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing Eridan is one of my life's few grand joys. APOSTROPHES FOR EVERYONE.

**When we last left our heroes, Sollux, Karkat, and Equius were splitting up to try to find Eridan, Nepeta, Tavros, and Vriska!**

 _Sollux and Karkat went in the corresponding directions. Equius stood dumbly for a moment before trudging off to Frozen Food, somewhat sweaty._

Karkat hated the electronics section. For one, technology often baffled him, two, it was louder than him (and anything louder than an angry Karkat deserved the utmost black feelings), and three, see two. Really, the only reason Karkat elected to scout this section is because he wanted Sollux in Hunting in case of a confrontation and Equius would probably break something else.

Amid the blare of rows of TVs and stereos, Karkat glanced over the isles before deciding to fuck this shit. He pulled out his cell phone and tapped the nearest person on the back. When he didn't respond, Karkat turned him around. "Hey, nooksucker. I'm talking to you."

The nooksucker in question was probably around twenty sweeps and was generally clueless looking. "Wuh?"

"I'm looking for these fucks." Karkat held out his phone and flipped through two photos: one was of Nepeta sleeping on an uncomfortable Eridan's lap; the other was of Vriska chasing Tavros with an impromptu blowtorch fashioned out of a Bic lighter and a can of air freshener. "All four of 'em. Seen any?"

The nooksucker stared at the grainy cell phone shots. "Uh, no. I don't think so." He frowned at Karkat. "Hey, I...I don't think you're human."

Karkat sighed and snapped his phone shut. "And you have to be one of the stupid ones. Whatever. I'm out of here." He turned away from the nooksucker and out the edge of Electronics, past a display for a "progressive black death doom folk metal" band called Tötfleisch, coming closer to Toys. As long as he's nearby, he should just take a quick look...

"AUGH." As Karkat passed one of those wire tower things containing gigantic rubber balls with cartoon characters on them, arms sprang from the opening and pulled him inside. "By the Mother Grub's sixth segme-mph!" Hands clamped over Karkat's mouth.

"Shhh..."

Karkat stopped struggling. He smelled cat litter and fish. He pulled the hands from his mouth and hissed: "Nepeta? What the hell are you doing?"

Nepeta peered into the adjacent isle. "Waiting."

"For what?"

She licked her lips. "You'll see."

The pair spent five minutes in the tower, Nepeta peering from safety, Karkat getting a sore back. And then:

"There he is."

"What the f-"

Eridan appeared atop the isle shelf, brandishing a number of Nerf guns pilfered from the toy section. He lugged out a Titan missile launcher, took aim, and fired it at a small child whining about something or other. At the last minute, the child turned and the foam projectile struck him directly in the face. He uttered a cry of surprise and sat down abruptly. He took a moment to register this, then began bawling.

Eridan took a brief moment to savor this, then discarded the oneshot Titan aside, readying a Longshot with a Raider's ammo drum rather than the eight shot clip. He took careful aim and bounced a projectile off the mother's nose. Another hit her just below her eye. Terrified and not knowing where these shots were coming from, she grabbed her screaming grub and fled, darts raining down on her back.

Once the woman was out of range, Eridan removed the initial drum and hammered in a new one. He scanned the isles and began firing into one Karkat couldn't see into. Multiple little girls ran from the isle. Eridan cackled.

A single EO stamped over. "You must halt these activities immediately! You are causing danger for you and those around you! And you must pay for any opened merchandise!"

Eridan frowned and muttered something Karkat couldn't hear. He set down the Longshot and pulled out a Vulcan with an ammo belt expanded from other guns. He flipped the switch and rained down the sort of hell a brother would rain down on his little sister when she walks through the front door. The darts bounced harmlessly off the EO, but he was obviously distracted.

"Now!" Nepeta burst from the balls and landed on the EO's head, laughing maniacally. She grasped the helmet and managed to wrench it off, revealing the face of a young man with red hair and a bewildered look on his mustached face. Eridan lobbed the used Titan at him, which Nepeta dodged and struck the EO square in the temple. He toppled over, gurgled once, and began a sort of snore.

"What the- by the- how-" Karkat tried to gracefully remove himself from the wire tower, but landed on his face. He held himself up, "Why in the name of the Great Clusterfuck King of Retardedassland did you _do_ that‽"

Nepeta shrugged. Eridan, climbing down the shelf, commented, "hwe though' i'be fun."

Karkat's eyes bulged. " _Fun?_ You assbags thought it'd be _fun‽_

Nepeta pouted. "Well, yeah..."

"Just...just...we need to hide him so another EO won't notice until we're gone." Karkat looked around. "I think I know what to do. Eridan, do you still have your shopping cart?"

"Hwell, yeah, i's ower d-"

"Just go get it. _Quickly._ " Karkat hissed.

Eridan huffed away. Karkat turned on Nepeta. "Whose grand idea was that?"

"E-Eridan's..."

"And _why_ did you go along with it?"

"I-I just..." Nepeta looked like she was about ready to allow moisture to spill from her ocular cleansing and protection glands.

"I, uh, didn't mean- I just, um, uh,"

Nepeta looked at Karkat though watering eyes.

"Fine! Fuck, I'm sorry for saying how much of an autisti-ugh!"

Nepeta hugged Karkat. "Apology accepted, Karkitty!"

"I, uh," Karkat gingerly placed a hand on Nepeta's back. "Yeah."

"Hwoah." Eridan strode in, pushing a cart. "If yer gonna hawe spontaneous redrom, ge' uh fuckin' room firs'." He gave Karkat a moment to compose himself. "So hwhat did ye hwan' hwid dis?"

"Help me dump the EO in there. You too, Nepeta."

The three began lifting. "Ugh, he's heawy."

"Lift with your back and stop using words with Vs in them," Karkat instructed. "and everyone lift on three. One...two...three!" The trolls managed to topple the dozing body in. He snorted once, adjusted his leg, and returned to being knocked out.

"Good, he's still asleep. Now you two pile a bunch of shit on top of him and wheel him into a corner or something." Karkat began to trudge off. "Meet us in Frozen Food in ten minutes."

Nepeta waved. "Bye, Karkitty!"

\------

Sollux was loitering about in Hunting, making most of the customers nervous, when Karkat pulled him away. "Found them."

"Who?"

"Eridan and Nepeta, who else? They got the jump on an EO and we hid his body- before you ask, they didn't kill the fucker- and they're meeting us in Frozen Food so we can get Equius, find Tavros and Vriska, and just get the fuck out of here."

Sollux digested this. "Are you telling me they beat up an Offither?"

"Sort of. Look, the details don't matter. I just want to get over to Frozen, pick up the Three Retardeers, and then find Pupa Pan and his Spider Queen before anyone finds out. It _is_ technically assault."

Sollux facepalmed and fell into place behind Karkat. "From now on, I'm choothing who goeth on thethe tripth."

"Like hell you will."

\------

Upon approach, Equius pointed to a section of an isle roped off. Multiple freezer doors had been smashed; frozen vegetables littered the floor. An EO slipped on a patch of peas and tumbled into a freezer full of egg rolls and other pseudochinese products. One of the janitors laughed.

"They were here."

Karkat twisted his face. "How in the- what the- why in- _where the fuck are they‽_ "

Equius shrugged. "The Enforcement Officers didn't say anything explicitly useful, but I've come to the logical conclusion Serket and Nitram are not in custody."

"And just how do you know that?"

Equius pulled his shades down his nose and gave Karkat a hard stare. "I am certain everybody in this store would have heard if Vriska was captured."

"Point taken."

Nepeta bounded in, Eridan following, looking as if he really didn't want to be here. "Hey! Did we find Tavros and Vriska yet!" She skidded to a halt and stared. "Wow, did the Jolly Green Giant throw up in here?"

"For t'e last fuckin' time, Nep, the Jolly Green Giant ain't fucki- mph!" Equius slapped a hand over Eridan's mouth. "Shh," he hissed, "let her _believe._ "

Eridan elbowed Equius in the gut. It was, of course, a futile gesture, but Eridan _was_ a highblood. "Get yer gross s'hweaty hands offa me."

"You two. Shut your chutes. We're sort of on a time limit, and we need to figure this out. Now, it's obvious that vile wench took the dopey idiot someplace nobody would ever bother to look." Karkat paused for dramatic effect. "But where do you take a guy in a four wheel device?"

"Yeah, that devithe ruleth out the air ductth." Sollux frowned in thought, then performed a stellar x2 FACEPALM COMBO. "Karkat. The load gaperth by the entranth to Walmart Jail. Nobody _ever_ goeth in there."

Karkat clenched his hands. "Of fucking course." He turned off in the general direction of the load gapers in question. "Come on, motherfuckers. We've got gapershelters to get to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember the note above this where I shared one of my life's grand joys? Implying Karkat/Nepeta and Nepeta/Eridan is another one of those.


	5. In Which One Troll has a Lot of Explaining to Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well then, this marks the end of Grocery Day? What happens next? READ THIS AND FIND OUT

p> **When we last left our heroes, the crew had figured out where to search for Tavros and Vriska!**

 _Karkat clenched his hands. "Of fucking course." He turned off in the general direction of the load gapers in question. "Come on, motherfuckers. We've got gapershelters to get to."_

It was sort of unexpected, really. The imposing metal gates that marked the sole entrance to WALMART's underground complex, as well as the load gapers next to it, was roughly the same place where this extensive clusterfuck had begun. If Gamzee were here, he'd call it a mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClE. Karkat was glad Gamzee was not here.

The five trolls stopped before two doors: the one on the right marked _LADIES (DAMAS)_ , the one on the left, _MEN (SEÑORES)_.

"Hwhich one d'ye tink she hwen' in?"

Equius: "She would be expecting us to inspect the men's room first, as she wishes to deceive us to hide her position." Equius continued to sputter out a train of thought, "But she could also expect us to realize this, and therefore hide in the proper room for a lady."

Karkat snorted. "She's anything but. Why do humans even segregate these things? And to think they just sell buckets for whatever!" He stepped up and kicked in the door marked _LADIES (DAMAS)_. Or, rather, tried to. His leg crumpled as the door remained firmly shut. He bit his lip and hopped on his good leg, emptying out his vast repertoire of things to not say in public. A few choice specimens: "Fucking grubfucker! Son of a mothergrubfucking female yapbeast! By Grabthar's hammer! For the love of Ojjqih!"

Nepeta giggled. "He said grubfucker."

Equius shot her a glare, then did what Karkat had failed hilariously to do: open the door via kick. The door cracked in half and practically exploded off its hinges. It barreled into the nearest stall and caved in the wall. From the inside: "Son of a bitch!"

"We appear to have made the correct decision, based on my flawless logic an-"

"Equius, really. Shut up."

The five entered. The gapershelter was kept in good condition for being never used, though it was kind of ruined by the fact that the door was now using one of the gapers. "Theriouthly, Equiuth, did you have to-"

Sollux stopped. The lights flickered off as someone cackled. "Do you dare try to escape the web of Spinneret Mindfa- ugh!" said the voice right next to where the light switch was. Grumbling, Karkat slapped the wall until he found it, returned it to the on position, and found Vriska on the floor with Nepeta on top of her.

"Look, guys! I found Vriska!"

Sollux leaned down. "Okay, Vrithka, where'th Tavroth?"

"Pronounce my name right and I'll tell you," she sang.

"I'm, uh, in here. This...end stall. Thing," came a slow voice from the end of the room.

"Thank the fucking gods. Screw the groceries, I just want out of this damn place!"

"No, Karkat! Thtop!"

Alas, it was too late. KArkat opened the door to see Tavros, hanging from the ceiling by his legs, █████████ with a █████ in his ██████ with a watermelon and █████████████████ on his horns, wearing ████████ on █████████ for ████████████████ and ██████ crammed ████████ up his ██████████. It was truly a horrifying sight.  
[the above paragraph has been censored for the sake of sanity and posterity]

Karkat stepped backwards, fell over, and slowly crawled away. "Fuck!" was all he could say. "Just...fuck! Get him out of there and in his four wheeled device so we can get the screaming fuck out of this godforsaken hellhole!"

Vriska cackled as she entered the stall. "Won't be long!"

An EO entered the door as Karkat was crawling out and stepped on his hand. " _Fuuuuuuuck!_ "

The EO failed to notice. "Is there a problem in the vicinity?"

"Our acquaintance is in there." Equius jammed a thumb in the general direction of the stall. Eridan added, "An' hwhatewer ye do, don' fuckin' go in der."

The EO started. "If there is a plumbing problem in stall 24-10B, I will alert the sanitation services after ascertaining the situation." He opened the door and froze. After a minute, WALMART training won out over primal fear and he announced into his com link (as well as to everyone else nearby for dramatic effect): "Attention: missing thirteen pounds of frozen spinach, fresh watermelon, and suspects in the vandalism of stall 19F have been located along with suspected accomplices in sector 24! Initiate Code 413, repeat, four-one-three!"

"Fuuuuuuuuck," Vriska moaned from inside the stall. There was a brief clatter of dice being rolled, then a blue image of Charles Dutton appeared and tacked the EO, slamming him into the wall. As soon as Dutton had come, he vanished in a bluish puff. "Huh," Vriska walked out of the stall, pushing Tavros. "I had always wondered what that one did."

Karkat was now on his feet. "Who cares about that? We've got to get the hell out of Dodge, STAT!"

The other trolls thought this was a grand idea, and fled the gapershelter, Sollux still desperately pushing the one cart of produce and meat. They were about halfway though CLOTHING (subtitled 'that will always be exactly one size too small, even though it says medium right there on the tag, it must have been a printing error or something, how do they do that, are tags printed or is it woven or what because I've seen some tags that look woven, what am I even talking about now' for any who could squint hard enough; everyone else just thought it was a few lines there for decorative purposes) when, over the store wide intercom, a voice announced: "Code 2422, repeat, Code two-four-two-two. Assaulted WALMART Enforcement Officer found. Subject was knocked unconscious and hidden. Commencing Code 2422 lockdown. Apprehend subjects in question." Lights dimmed, skylights shut, and the section banners flickered to display mugshots of the trolls.

"Shit! We've got to keep going!" Karkat looked behind him. "Sollux, dammit, just leave that fucking cart behind!"

With one hand, Sollux pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "No. I have a plan." He charged forward, shouting "Grab on!" When the trolls, having no better plan of action, complied (and Tavros resigned to allowing the cart to push him with Vriska on his lap), Sollux used his psionic powers to propel the cart across the store, through a checkout lane (Sollux threw a mass of gift cards and small bills as he passed), out a window, and into the parking lot, where he skidded to a halt.

Everyone looked around. "Shit, where'd we park?"

"Hwe hawe t'keep mowin'! If hwe stop, dey'll catch up t'us!"

"How the hell do you lothe a buth?"

"Guys, guys! It's over here!" Nepeta bounded off. "This way!"

"That, um, looks like it's just a, uh, yellow truck."

Vriska pushed Tavros along. "We've got to trust her! Come on!!!!!!!!"

"For once, I agree with Serket." Karkat looked at Sollux. "Jesus, just forget that thing."

"I can't," he panted, "I already paid for it."

Nepeta was waiting at what was, indeed, the trolls' bus. Karkat fumbled with his keys, unlocked the door, and stumbled into the driver's seat. "Eridan! Someone! Get the back hatch!"

The back hatch was smashed open, Tavros unceremoniously thrown in, his four wheel device after him, and finally the shopping cart was dumped in. Sollux, Eridan, and Equius leaped in after it.

"Did you just- fuck! That's gonna cost a lot of money to-"

Vriska leaped over the steps at the front entrance and shouted into Karkat's ear: " _Drive!!!!!!!!_ "

To accentuate, the car next to them exploded. Equius looked out a window: "WALLTRONs!"

"Shit!" Karkat revved the engine, threw the gearshift in reverse, and backed out, crushing a smartcar. He blundered out of the isle as a lumbering Model 3 WALTRON, the heavy assault model, kicked through the handicap reserved spaces. It fired a desperate volley of shots, as it was far too slow to give chase. Instead, two EOs on needlessly futuristic-looking motorcycles pursued the bus.

"Shit," Equius said from his position at the back door. "I mean, fiddlesticks. We have company fast approaching." Then to himself, "I need a dang towel."

"You are wanted by WALMART authority! Pull over immediately, or the consequences will be severe!"

Sollux joined Equius. "Dammit, Equiuth, throw thomething at them. They're catching up."

Equius glowered. "Who are you to tell me what to do, gutterblood?"

"The voithe of reathon, muthclehead."

Equius failed to retort this. Instead, he allowed actions to speak for him by emptying the stolen cart, upending it over Tavros (still sprawled over the floor), and hurling it out the rear. It struck the first motorcycle, which flipped back and exploded for no adequate reason. Nepeta bounced in her seat. "Woo hoo!"

"Uh, Nepeta, I, uh, think you fail to grasp the, uhh, gravity of this situation."

Nepeta's reply was drowned out by the EO: "We give you an ultimatum: halt now or we will open fire!"

Vriska tossed a slice of ham.

The EO tossed several dozen bullets from his front-mounted rifles. The rear left tire blew.

"Karkat! We've been hit!"

"It's hard to miss, dipshit!" Karkat's face was set intently on the lane in front of him. "Almost...there...fuck!"

Vriska ran up front again. "Come on, what is it?"

"They've barricaded the damn exit!"

Vriska scoffed. "You big baby. You're driving a damn bus! This is all you have to do." She jerked the wheel and stomped down on Karkat's foot over the accelerator pedal. The bus swerved, nearly tipped, righted itself, and flew over a line of trimmed hedges marking the edge of the parking lot. It landed clumsily; the suspension made an ominous grinding noise. Karkat veered left again and blew past a red light onto the freeway, causing a subcompact to collide with a decrepit old station wagon.

Vriska removed her foot from Karkat's. "There."

"Thank god, we're out of their jurisdiction. We're safe."

The bus blundered slowly home.

\------

As the bus lumbered into the cul-de-sac, Sollux presented a tally of woes. "Well, obviouthly, we've been riding the left wheel in the back thith whole time, the rear door ith propped up in a theat, both rear windowth are thhattered, the thuthpenthion'th probably thhot, the taillightth are broken, and..." he flipped a page in his pocket notebook, "thomeone thepped on a bottle of muthtard and now it'th on the theiling."

Karkat slammed on the brakes. They screamed in protest. Sollux winced and jotted that down in his notebook. "Do you have any _idea_ how much that's going to cost‽"

"Well, the thuthpenthion will-"

"No, not the bus. _Fuck_ the bus! Look at the fucking _hive!_ "

They weren't quite there yet, but they could tell the front door was in the middle of the road with one of Neighbor Phil's axes lodged in it, smoke was billowing out of a window, and a handful of Equius's robots were tearing the siding off the house across the street.

" _Fuuuuuuuck!_ " Karkat let out one long, steady curse as he stomped on the accelerator, smashed the mailbox across the street from them, pulled into the driveway, kicked open the bus door, noticed the smoke was coming from his room, and stomped into the doorless front, his nose meeting the scent of burning cheese. "Kanaya!" No answer. "Feferi!...Aradia? Terezi?" Karkat wandered into the living room. The couch was cut in half, the carpet was torn up, the TV was in the bushes outside the window, and sitting cross-legged in the middle of it all was Gamzee, eyes closed, as if nothing had happened.

"Gamzee," Katkat hissed, grabbing the other troll's shirt.

His eyes flew open. "Woah, what the motherfuck is up, my motherfucking motherfucker?"

"Gamzee. What. The hell. _Happened?_ "

"Well..."

 **STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO OF _THE MAY 11TH INCIDENT,_ _WHAT HAPPENED_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just what was going on in that bathroom? I'LL BET YOU KNOW, YOU SICK FREAK.


End file.
